Don't know whether I'd call myself a hopeless romantic though.
Was walking through uni back home after class just now (thanks to daylight savings ending it was pretty dark already that time :( ) and I passed the commerce courtyard where they had benches and lights coming up from the ground.
It actually felt the area could be transformed into a fancy restaurant for couples with candlelight dinners. :D
And I felt really comfortable there.
The happy feeling could've come from the fact that I was finished with class for the day and made it (even though I woke up late for class :/ LOL)
But I think it was definitely also attributed to the fact that I am actually into sweet/romantic guys.
I would love to deny this; but I actually like dressing up, going out for fancy dinners, spending time with a lovely person, being myself around them and acting posh once in a while.
Well, probably nobody knows this except for very few of my close friends (and now you since you're reading this haha). Just cause since high school and and tennis, I liked to show the tough side of myself, never compromising or displaying my girly side. :)
Hm.. I used to hate one-on-one relationships because they made me feel super uncomfortable, like I was tied down with a commitment, having to come up with conversation all the time, and there was a hint of routine to it. And I REALLY DISLIKE ROUTINE. I'm probably extreme when it comes to spontaneity.
However, coming to Sydney has made me realise that one-to-one relationships are actually really important. And that I shouldn't be afraid to open up to someone, to share my deepest darkest secrets and care deeply for someone. It helps you get to know a person much deeper and relationships can actually grow and bloom into beautiful things. It taught me that I shouldn't be afraid to love fiercely, to love wholeheartedly, to love and allow the possibility of being hurt because someone has your heart in their hands, and to love without expecting that someone to reciprocate your love in return.
I tried putting up a shield to defend myself, a strong exterior to push people away or so that they couldn't hurt me. And I buried my vulnerable side somewhere deep down. Somewhere even I didn't dare try to reach to pull out.
Like I said, during the past year I learnt to come out clean, bit by bit, to trust people again with a deep sense of accountability. I was forced to dig deep down and pull out that vulnerable side in me. I did get hurt, get my heart broken because I cared, get frustrated because I admitted to my dark side and got pushed away, but I was learning and being shaped by the experiences, and ultimately by God.
In regards to being a romantic, I used to always imagine the 'perfect guy' and have hopes and dreams of how my future partner would be like etc. Something like having a list, really.
Anyhow, after Weng Yee, I was still pretty afraid to show people that I could really love deeply because I didn't have it in me to love someone else when I was still loving him romantically.
But last year helped me heal, helped me go out and meet people and treat guys as friends first. And I think I finally got over loving Weng Yee romantically. Don't get me wrong, I know in my heart that I do still love him a lot, sacrificially. But I don't reckon it's romantic love anymore. :)
It feels slightly weird sometimes, and yes, I do still go into crazy bouts of emotional states where I reminisce about the past, where I miss him and our conversations and look back at my high school blog posts and even wish we were together now.
Nonetheless, I thank God for allowing what happened to happen. I learnt a lot from the experiences in high school. I'm honestly glad for everything I've been through because it has shaped who I am today. Without the tough situations, I wouldn't understand people's struggles that easily.
Coming back to the main point, a romantic relationship can only be between a guy and girl. Not more than that. And though I tend to get bored of things very easily, I know I will have to put up with the person that I choose to spend the rest of my life serving God with. I reckon we'll definitely have our 'alone time's (especially if my other half is an introvert HAHA) but it wouldn't be draining to spend time with him, rather, it would be energising and encouraging. :)
THE LIST (which I used to always stick by, refining it time and again after seeing more attractive qualities I would like to see in my guy, but which doesn't really matter anymore now)
- A romantic and sweet guy.
- Brown eyes (This is hilarious now that I think of it)
- Slim and handsome.
- I realised I like guys with small eyes. Still attracts me, but it's not a must. (:
- He can singgg. Ah please please.
- He can dance. Uh, I hoped that he would be able to teach me how to dance. :P But that's selfish and pointless
- He loves sports. Well, plus point cause I do too. And it probably means that if he does, he's fit and not a blob HEHE
- Someone who will love me and make me feel beautiful (and pretty heh).
- He'll be encouraging and is always there for me. (Overly obsessed girlfriend in me) LOL I remember Brandon telling me that I'll be a very possessivpe and clingy girlfriend. WELL I'M SORRY I'M SOMETIMES TOO MUSHY AND A BIT INSECRURE. haha
- Someone who accepts me for who I am. All of me. Everything I am. This quality still holds. Because if he can't love the good and bad sides of me, why would he stay?
Long post which probably went off the topic I initially wanted to talk about. (me being me, what's new right?)
Anyhow, I'm content with what I have, and I'm content with Christ.
I do look forward to the day when I can call someone 'my guy', that I can love and show care and affection to openly without worrying about giving wrong impressions or hurting anyone.
I hope that day does come. Until then, I know Christ will help me enjoy single hood. :)
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