My Biggest Fear.

Okay, I'll admit. I want a boyfriend too.
There, I said it.



I promise myself this, that I'm not going to put on any airs, I'm not going to shield him from my short-comings, I'm not going to lie about or hide my flaws just so I can be with him. He will accept me for who I am. And he will embrace me for everything that I am. And another person can only embrace your whole self if you first embrace your ownself.

This is also like a self-justifying post, and I promise myself that I will not strive to be who I'm not either. I will not try to please anyone. I'm going to do me.

However, I know that I will not be able to resist trying to please that someone else, even if it means having to do things I normally wouldn't. I don't trust myself to avoid falling into something that will affect me thouroughly. I know I will face it, and I will try to impress guys, guys that are not 'worth it'. And I will get my heart hurt, as if I haven't learnt my lesson before. That's why I always put up these walls around myself, I always guard my expressions and I don't like displaying surprise, (well, partly because most of the time I'm not surprised and I've anticipated the outcome).

That's why I'm not accepting anyone or making a move on anyone now. Cause I know that they cannot love me, my dark side and what I could become. I know that it will be hard to love a person like me at all, what with my faults and failings. I know what it feels like to see myself from the outside and I wouldn't blame anyone for disliking me. Whatmore if they were to know every deep dark secret about myself. Living with myself is hard enough.

I can feel the tears welling up inside of me, threatening to dampen my eyes and flow down my cheeks anytime now.



Superman said it's not easy being him. Well, it's not easy being me either. It's not easy having to put up with my ownself, and having so many times to hide the real me. To put on a mask, and to surpress my feelings of depression inside.

I always tell my parents that I wonder how people can get married. How they can live with each other when they don't know every single thing about the other person. They sometimes do not know what they can or cannot put up with of the other person. That's why dvorces happen, that's why separations happen.

But mom always says that you'll have to get to know the other person well enough, to decide that you can spend the entire rest of your live with them. Dad says that you should marry the person you can't live without. And that's what gets me, that I won't be able to live without a certain person, that I will be so dependant on the other person. So much so that I will embrace his flaws and overlook them for the special qualities I find in him. My biggest fear is; if he can live without me.

Like I said, that's why I build up walls around myself, I don't trust people to tell them my problems (or I used to not trust them enough). I like to guard myself and emotions when in public so that people cannot attack me from that aspect, because I wasn't strong enough emotionally to face those kinds of attacks last time in school. But now that I don't see Weng Yee anymore, I feel like I don't have anything tying me down, nothing hindering me from opening up to others.

But I know that I will never survive another episode of that kind of event. I know that I cannot afford to get my heart broken again. To feel the pain of knowing you can't live without someone, but they can live without you.

Conclusion, I will not get involved. Ever. It's going to be a long and lonely journey out there. I'm not prepared to face it just yet.

But ironically, I have been facing it my entire life.